Fear of Getting Attached.....

Hey there, it's been a while. To say life has been crazy would be an understatement. However, It's been an amazing crazy. There have been so many changes, ups and downs, whirl abouts etc..... Here we are though thriving and doing well!  Let me see, since my last post we had kids come and go twice. I took a break from being superwoman and just did enough to get by. Sometimes it took a friend or two just to get that done. Thank God for good friends and family, right? I mean, I absolutely believe God has specific friends in place for every one at specific seasons for specific help. That's just who God is, super personal knowing who we need before we do. Anyhow..... I had the opportunity to share with a friend tonight about the ups and downs of fostering. I hear it all the time as does every foster parent. "I'm afraid I'll get too attached and then be heart broke when they go". Well, if you don't get somewhat attached it makes the relationship awkward. Can you imagine not getting attached to your own children? They grow up and leave and it's not guaranteed you will see them again. I hope that's never the case but it could be. I was thinking how we attach to people all the time not knowing how the relationship will end or if it will or when it will. We jump in blindly hanging on and hoping for the best. I have had several kids come thru the youth program at church and they grow up, go to college and I hardly see them. Is it hard? Sometimes. But, I do think of what we did have and how we were a blessing to each other for that season. That's the same thing I have to do as a foster mom. I have to think "how can I be a blessing to this little human while I have responsibility for them."

    I currently have three fosters. I have had one in care for a long time. I just had 2 placed 4 days ago. I wasn't sure what to think at first. They were standoff-ish. I was standoff-ish. Just weird. I started praying for God to show me what they needed me to be. Do they want clingy? Do they want just high fives? Do they want to be alone? What are they thinking? Then the question came..... Am I going to get attached? Yes, I am. As I said earlier if we don't have some kind of attachment it is really weird. Since its still new I'm not so sure what exactly they need but they are starting to show me. They are ages 2 and 3. Girl and boy. He talks about his mommy all day and we celebrate her. He tells me what she did for him, what groceries she buys and also some things she didn't make him do. Well, tonight I asked them what they wanted to eat for dinner. He says " I need bread, cheese and a weiner." I say great hot dogs it is! With chips of course. There I am thinking I am so rocking this foster thing tonight! I make his hot dog, let him count out his chips and his yummy tea. I make my bowl which is a weiner, chili, cheese and sour cream. We all pray and his prayer was Jesus make my da da better. Amen! He takes one bite and decides he is full..... Ok, its fine, we're still adjusting.  He comes to me and taps my leg wanting my attention. So I ask "What's up buddy?" He says (Grab your tissues now...) " my mommy always lets me sit on her leg."  He gets up there and is looking at my bowl. I said "Do you want to try my dinner?" So there we are, as close as a mom and son can be sharing a dinner. Attached already? Yes. Is it ok? Absolutely. In this moment his world is ok. In this moment he knows that even though I'm a stranger I love him and will protect him. These moments make fostering and attachment worth it. Changing lives for good when they are so torn apart is more fulfilling than anything else I have ever done. So I say again, Get Attached! Love on people even when you don't know the end result. Jesus was more attached than we can ever be. He doesn't always see the end result He died for. Not everyone will be accepting of Him yet He still died because he Loved Us..... Get attached, Love kids through their pain and struggles. Get Attached when no one else will attach to them. Get attached when you know they will be leaving. I'm praying if you are on the fence about fostering or getting involved in some way this helped push you in the right direction. The world needs lots of moms and dads to kids everywhere. If you don't want to sign up to foster then be a mentor to kids at church or school. You can sow into kids wherever they are. I believe the more positive influences a kid has the better chance they have at being successful adults. Hope to share more soon but for now Ta-Ta!

Kickball anyone?

Hi! Its been a minute since I was able (literally) to sit down and type out a good story. The reason is a good story in itself LOL! Here it is....
So its a Wednesday night after church and I have to make a quick trip to town to get my hunny bunny some nose spray...I had been to town just hours before and ya know how it goes, that one thing you forget happens to be super important. I told the 3 oldest kids to tag along to be my body guards since it was about 10pm. Here we go all laughing and having a great time, we were chatting about how “free” we were because of Jesus and all that. We pull in to the store and I was actually skipping in through the doors just full of joy! I grab the nose spray and come around an aisle and one of my boys is holding this huge rubber play ball and the temptation hit.....I'm gonna kick that ball! So I go for it....Halfway through the kick reality or adulting kicks in and I think “this is probably a bad idea” and there I went. Down, down, down to the ground. I was wearing my trusty house slippers and my feet completely slipped out from under me. There I am, laying in the middle of the store laughing off this huge fall. I go to get up and take a glance at my wrist and there it is slightly crooked and bumpy looking....not to normal at all. So at this point there's a crowd and they are all looking at me and questioning everyone else as to whether I'm OK. I'm still kind of laughing but at this point its to keep from panicking. Here I am at a store with a possible broken arm, I still have to buy the nose spray and  how the heck am I going to get home? I go through a check out line, pay for the nose spray and have one of my kids call my man to alert him of the adventure that just happened. He has the younger kids at home so he cant come to my rescue....I have to drive home....one handed, nauseous, half in shock but here we go! The entire way home all I can say is Jesus Jesus Jesus.....A trip to the ER to confirm the brokenness....referral to Ortho the next day to schedule surgery. Not only did I break it, I completely dismantled everything in there. It required a plate and screws to put everything back together. This is why I haven't been able to share other stories because I was in the middle of a new one LOL!  What makes this story so special is that a week prior to falling, Michael and I had fully committed to trusting God to start a new ministry endeavor. I play piano and this was the main portion of the work. In my 32 years of life, I've never had an injury so severe that took me a bit to get over before being able to play again. God more than showed up through everything though. He paid for the surgery, the Dr visits and my time off of work. The lesson in all of this is when you say Yes to Jesus, be prepared or on guard that the enemy is still seeking whom he can devour.... and you just put a huge target on your back. I never worried about anything. I knew God had me because He is faithful and just to complete everything He starts. He called me to do this so he had incidental provision on standby lol! Don't ever give up on God when a few obstacles come your way, stand your ground! The devil can't kill you! We are always winners when God is our coach! 
This is spring break week and boy do I have more stories but for now I am done. It has taken me an hour just to type this one so I will rest. Ta-Ta for now!

Freedom

Good morning! It's a rainy Saturday here. I really tried to sleep in but I guess the all the adulting has stayed with me and I was awake by 6:30am. It's OK though.  I have a beautifully encouraging story to share. Grab your tissues and expect the Holy Spirit to move!

     I'm not going to give specific dated moments in this story but general ideas. I really want to emphasize on the main Idea and leave plenty of room to elaborate. However, if something in here sparks an interest or a need for advice and specifics don't hesitate to reach out.

I've struggled my entire life with not feeling "ok" all the time.  I went through some depression,  anxiety,  body image issues, mental clarity issues, and just all kind of things.  I used to get asked what's wrong when nothing was wrong because I had a certain look on my face. I always asked God "Why do I look so mad? "  I didn't ever really know or feel like I heard an answer. I know what the Bible says and I believe it. I did my best to obey in every situation and I was doing everything I knew to do in order to be the perfect Christian (if there is such a thing now).  I was constantly looking at what I felt was wrong with me. I'm not skinny enough,  I'm not smiling, I had bitterness inside that I could mask but it never really went away.  I would put myself through these diets, doing all kinds of research on what's healthy and what's not. I would make sure I was confessing the scripture and literally spinning my wheels faster than a hamster. I was a youth pastor and worship leader so I can't be broken, I have to keep this image up.  I held myself to a higher standard and level of perfection that was maybe unreasonable. All these things were like mountains that I could never speak to and move. They would change and I'd think that I had been delivered but in reality all that happened was I changed my focus to a neighboring mountain. Satan had me so bound up and chained up and blinded. This had been my reality for the last 10 years I'd say. Well,  this past couple of weeks was hard,  there was so much going on I had hit bottom emotionally, physically and spiritually. I didn't want to get up and do life. I was just begging Jesus to come back in a hurry so it would be over. I was done.... Stick a fork in me, I'm done.

        Well, a Sunday had come and I was so stressed and nervous I was sick to my stomach and couldn't go to church. That's very odd for me, I mean I have to go, I'm trying to be the perfect Christian. Here we go again, right?  While at home that morning I prayed and prayed. I kept asking God show me where I'm wrong, show me how to be OK. I didn't know how I wasn't OK but I knew that I wasn't And I didn't like it. It was as if there was a black blob living inside of me like a cancer or bad mini me or something. I don't know, I think in cartoons so just keep going with me. Anyhow, that day went on and I literally just had to lay in bed all day. Monday came, kids were out of school. I'm still not OK so I start cleaning house. I've noticed a pattern when I don't feel OK I think cleaning the house is somehow going to make me OK. I'm still praying and seeking God's instructions on what to do.

          Michael and I decided to start taking communion daily as a reminder of who we are in Christ and what He has done for us. We started Tuesday morning and I noticed I didn't feel so "dark" like it was beginning to get clearer. I had spoken with a friend over coffee that morning for about an hour and I mean this girl was speaking life into me and over me and sharing the Word and I was so encouraged and ready to conquer the world but I still didn't feel right.  Something was still missing. No other major changes had started but that's OK, I felt as though slow and steady wins the race this time. Wednesday comes and another friend called and we spoke for about an hour, and she encouraged me to continue on a fast I had started.  She kept saying its coming Raven, breakthrough is right there just keep going.  Honestly my first thought was I've heard this so many times and I don't know if I'd know what breakthrough looks like at this point. Of course I say yes thank you Jesus I receive it because that's what you say in return to prophetic proclamations. We go to church that night and it's my turn to teach the class. I had this whole lesson planned and was excited to share it until it was time. Then I was so irritated and aggravated like I didn't even want to be there. Michael had to take over so here I go again "God what is wrong with me!? "  I feel so defeated and like I just can't get this victory thing down Lord what's the deal? Hang on,  I'm getting to the best part.

           Thursday morning, we have continued to take communion, I'm fasting, and I start worshipping. The kids were all gone so I just turn up the music and start praying, I said God I want what you have for me! This spirit of boldness rose up within me and I started speaking over my house and prophesying. I had been encouraged to "cleanse" the house so I went through it with oil and anointed the windows and doors, pillows, furniture everything so everyone was covered. As I did that I started speaking against the enemy at work, I started binding the spirits in Jesus Name and I started focusing on what the Word has for me and my house and those we encounter. Finally I said "Jesus if you can show yourself to others in visions and dreams show yourself to me! " Suddenly, I felt Jesus standing right in front of me. I could literally feel His Presence pressing on me.  I started crying, and all I could say was Jesus, Jesus,  Jesus........  He then hugged me like for real, a squeezing hug and He said you are clean and you are Free! Man I tell you, I fell to the ground sobbing in relief and then after a bit I got up and started dancing and jumping! I felt 100lbs lighter and like my insides were gonna blow up my outsides!  I had my eyes closed and I could see Jesus dancing and jumping with me like he was so happy I was free too! I never knew what freedom really felt like until now.  I thought I'd been free a few times but it wasn't like this. It's like it was fake or hidden or so much work I couldn't maintain it. This is easy. I can breathe. I'm relaxed. I love everyone. Life is not so hard yet all the same things are going on that were overwhelming me just days ago. I met Jesus. I don't feel like I need to find out what's wrong. I'm OK..............

If you are wanting to be free I'm encouraging you to hang on. Keep seeking God, focus on seeing Jesus. His word says When you seek Him you will find Him.  Keep seeking Him, your breakthrough is coming and now that I know what it is I wish I could just pour it on everyone. There isn't a magic 3 step formula that works. I can't say do this 2 times and this 4,that won't work. Hearing from God and reaching out to have others pray with you and encourage you will work. Just keep on! Ta-ta for now!

The Beginning

Well, here we are.....The start of something new! I guess I will share my short version life story and a small description of myself so you can get an idea of whether you want to spend your time reading the detailed stories following (Ha!). I was born in Texas and lived here all of my life so far. I was a not so typical homeschooled girl. Not sheltered or naive but definitely weird in my own unique way. I never wanted to be like anyone else or fit in with any crowd. For example, when black was the best color I would go for yellow, when everyone was watching the latest new release VHS I had no idea it even existed. I rebelled in every way possible in every situation. I was that girl that hated other girls and only had guy friends. Believe me there are some stories here too but we will come back to that later. I was a daddy's girl in every way. I went hunting with him, fishing, mudding, whatever he did I was doing too. My mom was the greatest example of a home-maker I've ever seen and I ran from that faster than mascara runs on this pentecostal face! I never had any desire to be a wife or a mom. (However now I look back and think I hope I'm just half the mom and wife she was and still is). On my 13th birthday my career goal was to be a truck driver and a lone traveler. I would never have to cook or clean or take care of anyone but myself. Doesn't that sound just divine? Well, God had other plans so mine didn't work out very well. I got the chance to be a mom at 17, married at 20 and now 13 years later my life is in a place I never thought I'd live to see and it is the greatest thing ever! I'm going to be adding some stories from my childhood adventures, my walk with Jesus, my lessons in learning to be a wife, my role as a youth pastor, worship leader and foster mom. I hope you can find at least one that helps. If anything you can see my motto from my child-teenhood "if you can't be a good example, then you'll have to be a horrible warning" and think Man, At least it's not that bad! I can say through all of the experiences that God has completely redeemed the time and shown me how my stories of warnings and experience can help someone else. It may just be you need a laugh or a good cry! Either way, prayers have poured over these words to be a blessing! Ta-Ta for now!