Freedom

Good morning! It's a rainy Saturday here. I really tried to sleep in but I guess the all the adulting has stayed with me and I was awake by 6:30am. It's OK though.  I have a beautifully encouraging story to share. Grab your tissues and expect the Holy Spirit to move!

     I'm not going to give specific dated moments in this story but general ideas. I really want to emphasize on the main Idea and leave plenty of room to elaborate. However, if something in here sparks an interest or a need for advice and specifics don't hesitate to reach out.

I've struggled my entire life with not feeling "ok" all the time.  I went through some depression,  anxiety,  body image issues, mental clarity issues, and just all kind of things.  I used to get asked what's wrong when nothing was wrong because I had a certain look on my face. I always asked God "Why do I look so mad? "  I didn't ever really know or feel like I heard an answer. I know what the Bible says and I believe it. I did my best to obey in every situation and I was doing everything I knew to do in order to be the perfect Christian (if there is such a thing now).  I was constantly looking at what I felt was wrong with me. I'm not skinny enough,  I'm not smiling, I had bitterness inside that I could mask but it never really went away.  I would put myself through these diets, doing all kinds of research on what's healthy and what's not. I would make sure I was confessing the scripture and literally spinning my wheels faster than a hamster. I was a youth pastor and worship leader so I can't be broken, I have to keep this image up.  I held myself to a higher standard and level of perfection that was maybe unreasonable. All these things were like mountains that I could never speak to and move. They would change and I'd think that I had been delivered but in reality all that happened was I changed my focus to a neighboring mountain. Satan had me so bound up and chained up and blinded. This had been my reality for the last 10 years I'd say. Well,  this past couple of weeks was hard,  there was so much going on I had hit bottom emotionally, physically and spiritually. I didn't want to get up and do life. I was just begging Jesus to come back in a hurry so it would be over. I was done.... Stick a fork in me, I'm done.

        Well, a Sunday had come and I was so stressed and nervous I was sick to my stomach and couldn't go to church. That's very odd for me, I mean I have to go, I'm trying to be the perfect Christian. Here we go again, right?  While at home that morning I prayed and prayed. I kept asking God show me where I'm wrong, show me how to be OK. I didn't know how I wasn't OK but I knew that I wasn't And I didn't like it. It was as if there was a black blob living inside of me like a cancer or bad mini me or something. I don't know, I think in cartoons so just keep going with me. Anyhow, that day went on and I literally just had to lay in bed all day. Monday came, kids were out of school. I'm still not OK so I start cleaning house. I've noticed a pattern when I don't feel OK I think cleaning the house is somehow going to make me OK. I'm still praying and seeking God's instructions on what to do.

          Michael and I decided to start taking communion daily as a reminder of who we are in Christ and what He has done for us. We started Tuesday morning and I noticed I didn't feel so "dark" like it was beginning to get clearer. I had spoken with a friend over coffee that morning for about an hour and I mean this girl was speaking life into me and over me and sharing the Word and I was so encouraged and ready to conquer the world but I still didn't feel right.  Something was still missing. No other major changes had started but that's OK, I felt as though slow and steady wins the race this time. Wednesday comes and another friend called and we spoke for about an hour, and she encouraged me to continue on a fast I had started.  She kept saying its coming Raven, breakthrough is right there just keep going.  Honestly my first thought was I've heard this so many times and I don't know if I'd know what breakthrough looks like at this point. Of course I say yes thank you Jesus I receive it because that's what you say in return to prophetic proclamations. We go to church that night and it's my turn to teach the class. I had this whole lesson planned and was excited to share it until it was time. Then I was so irritated and aggravated like I didn't even want to be there. Michael had to take over so here I go again "God what is wrong with me!? "  I feel so defeated and like I just can't get this victory thing down Lord what's the deal? Hang on,  I'm getting to the best part.

           Thursday morning, we have continued to take communion, I'm fasting, and I start worshipping. The kids were all gone so I just turn up the music and start praying, I said God I want what you have for me! This spirit of boldness rose up within me and I started speaking over my house and prophesying. I had been encouraged to "cleanse" the house so I went through it with oil and anointed the windows and doors, pillows, furniture everything so everyone was covered. As I did that I started speaking against the enemy at work, I started binding the spirits in Jesus Name and I started focusing on what the Word has for me and my house and those we encounter. Finally I said "Jesus if you can show yourself to others in visions and dreams show yourself to me! " Suddenly, I felt Jesus standing right in front of me. I could literally feel His Presence pressing on me.  I started crying, and all I could say was Jesus, Jesus,  Jesus........  He then hugged me like for real, a squeezing hug and He said you are clean and you are Free! Man I tell you, I fell to the ground sobbing in relief and then after a bit I got up and started dancing and jumping! I felt 100lbs lighter and like my insides were gonna blow up my outsides!  I had my eyes closed and I could see Jesus dancing and jumping with me like he was so happy I was free too! I never knew what freedom really felt like until now.  I thought I'd been free a few times but it wasn't like this. It's like it was fake or hidden or so much work I couldn't maintain it. This is easy. I can breathe. I'm relaxed. I love everyone. Life is not so hard yet all the same things are going on that were overwhelming me just days ago. I met Jesus. I don't feel like I need to find out what's wrong. I'm OK..............

If you are wanting to be free I'm encouraging you to hang on. Keep seeking God, focus on seeing Jesus. His word says When you seek Him you will find Him.  Keep seeking Him, your breakthrough is coming and now that I know what it is I wish I could just pour it on everyone. There isn't a magic 3 step formula that works. I can't say do this 2 times and this 4,that won't work. Hearing from God and reaching out to have others pray with you and encourage you will work. Just keep on! Ta-ta for now!